The Melting Pot

                          The Melting Pot

      (written by Narayan  Swaminathan, in Sulekha magazine 2001)

=================================================

Venkat was getting bored reading the old magazines piled
up on the desk in the doctor's office. He consulted his watch and
looked at the receptionist's window. Cathy smiled at him and
tried to comfort him, "It won't be long. You are next, you know".

In a few minutes she called his name out and asked him to go in.

Dr. Gupta received him warmly. He looked much younger than Venkat
and the wall behind him was full of framed diplomas and certificates he
had received over the years. His face radiated the calmness and
composure of a psychologist.

"Yes, Mr. Venkat, How can I help you? What is your problem?"

"Doctor, I have no problem. The problem is with my kids"

"Why aren't they here, then?"

"Well, doc, I am going to explain. Please listen to me"

"Yes, go on"

"I came to this country twenty five years ago to study Engineering.
You know I landed here with eight dollars in my pocket"

"Yes, most Indians came that way"

"I graduated from a famous University, got a good job. I went to India
and married a girl from my own state. She joined me here and we
raised a family. I have a son and a daughter. They are now 26 and 24.
I put them in good schools. They did well and graduated from college.
They are now gainfully employed in respectable firms"

" Very good. I don't see any problems at all so far. How can I help you?"

"I'm coming to that doctor. It is their marriage I'm having problems with.
They refuse to let me arrange their marriage. They say they will take care
of it themselves. But I don't see any progress"

" They are not kids anymore. They are adults now. Why can't they find
their own mates? Why do you want to interfere in their affairs?"

"Well, Doctor, in our culture back home, as you know, parents
arrange their children's marriages. Sometimes, but rarely, the children
fall in love and find their own partners too. I feel it is my duty as a parent
to help them get married properly and settled in life"

"I see. Let me ask you this. What did you mean by getting married 'properly'?"

"I mean,..m..m.., marry a girl or boy from our own state in India and preferably within our race, religion and community "

"Why do you restrict their choice?"

"You see, otherwise their life will not be happy. They will lose our culture,

language, beliefs, worship patterns and even food habits."

"Let us say your son or daughter married a person of a different race or religion.  How does it affect you?"

“Doctor, you're from India too. I'm surprised you ask that. How can the parents accept such a set up? How can they go and live with the children if they wanted to?"

"Interesting. How do you think I can help you accomplish this?"

"I want you to talk to my son and daughter. You have to advise them to get married as per our wishes, so that all of us will come out happy. They need some kind of therapy, which can only be provided by a professional like you. I heard you helped Rao's son and he is doing well in school now. Didn't you help the singer Puja Sinha to get over her problems? I am told that you work with a lot of members of the Indian community.  My friends suggested that you could help me. That is why I'm here."

"I do work with members of Indian community among others. I counsel people who are depressed, overwhelmed, angry, unfulfilled, inadequate, unmotivated, frustrated or when they lack direction, struggle with relationships or have alcohol or drug problems.  Your request is somewhat of different, yet it arouses my interest to work with you."

"Very well then. Shall I ask my son and daughter to come and meet you at a convenient time?"

Dr. Gupta looked at the ceiling for a minute.

Venkat was eagerly looking at his mouth.

"Dear Mr. Venkat,” he began, "I am trying to see how to put this across. Your are an elderly person. You are like my uncle. I don't want to offend you. From what you say sir, it is not your children who need therapy, but yourself.  You are a successful man. You have done well raising a good family. Your children seem to be doing very well. What is happening to you now is not uncommon. This is what is known as Indian-parent-in-America syndrome. They grew up in a different country, surroundings and time.  It is not uncommon for them to wish their kids follow in their footsteps. Yet what they fail to realize is that they, they alone, made the choice to live here in America and raise their kids here as well.  Their minds were set on making money, having a comfortable life. When the children are raised in a different culture, they tend to imbibe the values of that alien culture. The parent may spend four hours a day with the kid, but they have the exposure of their classmates from different backgrounds for eight hours.

"This is a country of immigrants, a melting pot, if you will.  To stay in a melting pot and yet not melt is tough. It is bound to happen. Your should realize that your children are no longer 100% Indian.  They are Americans, you can say...Americans of Indian origin.  That is all.  They will do as they please.  They are fully capable of finding their mates.  You will only come to grief if you try to force your will on them.  Based on several years of observation, let me give you some statistics. There is a 50% chance of an Indian boy raised here marrying an Indian girl. But there is only a 10% chance an Indian girl raised here will marry another Indian boy and certainly not an Indian boy from her state of origin in India. If an Indian boy raised here marries a girl from India there is a 90% chance the marriage will somehow work. There is 90% chance it will fail if the girl was raised here and the boy came from India. The bottom line is, my friend, learn to be like typical American parents. They are like birds. They feed their young and teach them to fly.  Once they can fly off they go. Do birds ever worry if their young ones got married?  Then, why should you?"

Venkat sat speechless.

The doctor sensed his patient's disappointment and continued.

"Don't worry. You are not alone in this. There are a number of Indian parents out there like you in the same situation. Also there are many with young children.  They think, 'ah, my child is a model child, eats alu parota, sings sub mere pyari, and enjoys watching Indian movies. He or she will grow up and marry whomever I choose, like obedient Indian kids.  What these poor guys don’t know is that it is like a time bomb. When kids come of age in this country, they do what they want to do. You have no control over them. You can teach them values, culture, education and give advice. But understand that you can not run their lives. Leave them alone. They may or may not marry.”

In a feeble voice Venkat asked, " Doctor, you mean to say that there is nothing you can do to help me in this matter?"

"No, Sir. I didn't say that. I want to help you. I must. I will. I make a living out of that.
I would like you to come here for at least half a dozen sessions. I would like you to bring along your wife too for these meetings. You do need help right away. I accept all insurance plans. If you don't have insurance we'll make some arrangement for that too. Talk to my secretary and make the appointments this month. Next month I will be on vacation in Europe
for three weeks. Now I have to go to pick up my Benz from the service station before they close for the day. That is why I am leaving a bit early today. See you soon. Take care"

Venkat got the signal and left. The muffled voice of Cathy giving the appointment dates was heard through the partly closed door. With a satisfactory smile, doctor  gathered his brief case and walked out through a side door.

By the time Dr. Gupta reached his home in the posh suburbs, it was already seven.
As soon as the doctor's wife saw him she shouted in excitement, "Raj ! I'm glad you're back. I was worried you may be late. Of all the days..."

" I remember. Today is Friday. We have to make our phone call. I know honey, you'll be waiting for me. Just before I left, there was a new patient. Typical Indian guy. Worried like hell... his kids are not getting married, blah, blah, blah. Had to calm him down. Luckily it didn't take much time. "

His wife poured tea in a cup. Her eyes were on the clock. "Come on. Finish this tea. We have to call India. Rahul and Radha will be waiting for our call. I got a letter today. Radha is only 12 and your mom has already taught her to make chapathis and samoosa. Rahul got first prize in Bhagavad Gita recital. We talk to them every week. Still, you know how much I miss them?"

As he sipped the tea from the cup, Dr.Gupta said, with his eyes beaming, "I miss them as much as you do. I had to send them home to my parents. They are raised in our own town in India in a way we like. They are going to turn out typical good Indian kids. Let them graduate. We'll get them married and bring them over here. Do you think I'm a fool to raise them here and worry all our lives like my stupid patients?"

He dialed the phone and in a few minutes got the connection to India. He spoke, "Papa bhol rahen hoon, kaisa hai mere beti.., Acha, mommy tells me you can make chapathi. Is that right? I’m proud of you…"

===============================================